A Practice in the Rain

20m unplanned in the rain practice

It was raining and I could hear the rain calling to me, “come outside,” over and over again. Valerie noticed and said “we need to go outside.”

She shared that she’d been waiting for a proper downpour, and it felt like it was for both of us. I wanted to purify. I had been trying to solve the problem of self for days it seems, it’s a puzzle without a solution.

I blessed the rain then set out a cup to collect rainwater. I had intentioned to get wet but forget about the getting wet part, I just wanted rainwater. I sense the aversion and go “No” and transmute the would be tension directly into joy.

I start to let go, integrating Doug Kraft’s instructions about how to enter nibbana, I have most of the rest of the experiences down, I get the stream, I get the compassion, I get emptiness, I get the wisdom eye. It's exactly as described, I have a bunch of car parts, but no car. Why not try and build the car?

I start to 6R, everything. The edges, the periphery, I start to 6R the center, and the observer.

I feel the center shift and come unstuck and it’s able to move around. OK.

I get scared and I sense I need to let go of the “getting scared process” so I find and 6R that.

I feel this urge to be the sensations vs observe them, seems like more ease.

It feels like a flower opening learning that everything is fundamentally the same and safe.

As I’m on this quest I get a thought like “how do I balance the enlightenment factors?” and I stopped and just trusted my intuition to balance them for me.

Then I laughed; understanding the problem, I unasked the question. It feels like falling through a void.

This next part feels like a EULA, with knowings popping up:

`“Do you want to trade your agency for the universe’s intuition (Y/N?)”`

”Getting rid of ill-will means loving other people unconditionally, do you accept (Y/N)?”

”Getting rid of sense-desire means accepting sensations unconditionally, do you accept (Y/N)?”

"Do you understand how no concept (including self) will ever be able to define anything, ever again (Y/N)?"

I have a few seizures basically integrating these insights at a low-level, stopping and restarting reality to run the new code. I dropped a ton of weight.

We’ll see how it goes :)

Entering the Brahmavihara of Metta Accidentally

I’ve been thinking about … instead of trying for high-end experiences, why don’t I just raise the water level, permanently. Like, what can I do, to forever lock out some kinds of negative experiences?

I have persistent tension in my genital region, so this session I set out to … figure out what was going on there.

That took a while, but I started directing mantras at it.

May I love and accept my body.
May I love and accept my sensations.

Eventually it dissolved, I was holding an unbelievable amount of tension there.

At some point, I realized I was … waiting for the meditation to be over, so I felt … if the hindrances are my friends, why don’t I just make Metta lines for each and every aversion that comes up?

May I love and accept the time it takes to meditate.
May I love and accept this itch.
May I love and accept my posture.

At some point, I realized I stepped into the brahmavihara of Metta, completely, for the first time, where everything in my sensate field was … wrapped in unconditional universal love.

And I started weeping.

May I love and accept myself unconditionally.
May I love and accept others unconditionally.
May I love and accept the present moment unconditionally.

As experiences came up I started to just … wrap them in love.

May I accept my fear with love.
May I accept my anger with love.
May I accept my ill-will with love.  
May I love and accept my anxiety.

Then I started finding small things:

May I let go of judgement.
May I let go of ill-will.
May I embrace my own failures.
May I embrace the failures of others.
May I embrace my own mistakes.
May I embrace the mistakes of others.
May I understand others are on their own journey.
May I not seek to control everything.

It didn’t feel like thinking, the lines came from the beyond, as I touched each one, I could feel parts of identity melting. I could feel each thing I had held as me being let go of.

The field really opened up, and there wasn’t anything in the center anymore. I dropped a ton of weight I don’t think I’ll pick up again.

This feels and seems like a big deal.