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DBT - Should I End This Relationship?

DBT - Should I End This Relationship?

DBT - Ending Relationships - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 131

Are you in crisis or distress?

These guidelines also work for groups. “Should I stay in this group?”

I’ve added some of my notes as footnotes, since I struggle to understand what Marsha means with some of these words.

Decide to end relationships in WISE MIND, never in emotion mind.

Destructive Relationships

Destroy or completely spoil these personal qualities

  • The relationship itself2
  • Your enjoyment of your body3
  • Felt safety, especially emotional4
  • Self-Compassion5 & Self-Image6
  • Self-Respect & Integrity7
  • Happiness8
  • Peace of Mind9
  • Your ability to care for the other person10

Interfering Relationships

Interfere with these parts of your life

  • Pursuing goals11
  • Enjoyment12
  • Hobbies13
  • Relationships with others14
  • Welfare of others you love15

If a relationship is important and interfering, you can try Problem Solving to repair it.

  1. Decide to end relationships in Wise Mind, never in emotion mind.

  2. If the relationship is important and not destructive, and there is reason to hope it can be improved, try Problem Solving to repair a difficult relationship.

  3. Cope Ahead to troubleshoot and practice ending the relationship ahead of time.

  4. Be direct: Use the DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST interpersonal effectiveness skills.

  5. Practice opposite action for love when you find you love the wrong person.

  6. Practice safety first!
    Before leaving a highly abusive or life-threatening relationship, call a local domestic violence hotline or the toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help with safety planning and a referral to a qualified professional. See also the International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies.

What is Codependency - Very Well Mind
Needs Inventory - Center for Nonviolent Communication

  1. This article is based on:
    DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
    Dr. Marsha Linehan.
    Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 13 pg. 145 ↩︎

  2. Healthy relating is: give and take, both sides practicing forgiveness, validation, change, and acceptance. ↩︎

  3. This includes: physical abuse, sexual abuse, having space to yourself, a safe place to sleep, and food to eat. ↩︎

  4. This includes emotional abuse such as: negation, projection, gaslighting, invalidation, name calling, and financial abuse. ↩︎

  5. There are partners who will love you for who you are, not who they want you to be. Part of this journey is also giving yourself compassion. Someone who takes away your ability to like yourself is destructive. ↩︎

  6. This includes your hobbies, choice of career, friends, and lifestyle. ↩︎

  7. One of the goals of DBT is to arrive at a “A life worth living.” Not enduring, or putting up with stuff. The goal is to enjoy this. Part of self-esteem and self-integrity is self-respect. Starting to understand who you are (or at least who you want to be), working towards that, and having people in your life who can support you. Anyone reading this has probably endured enough. ↩︎

  8. Happiness as a felt experience in the body. The kind you might get walking in nature, being with a friend or family member, or doing something you enjoy. ↩︎

  9. You have a right to a relationship without drama, where you can sleep at night, have reasonable expectations what they might do. ↩︎

  10. This is related to attachment theory. Hopefully the person you are caring for is open to you trying to care for them – this includes their willingness to get help, treatment, and therapy. ↩︎

  11. It’s OK to have your own goals. It’s hard to acknowledge that a goal you want may not be a goal someone else wants for you. If this conflict is strong enough, the relationship should be ended. ↩︎

  12. You are allowed to exist and take up space. You don’t need to save everyone. You can have hobbies, and be idle. You can smell the flowers, but you need to give yourself the space to do that. Co-dependency goes here. ↩︎

  13. You are allowed to have things you enjoy, even if others aren’t interested. Your hobbies and interests can be as random and niche as you’d like. What would you like doing? ↩︎

  14. You are allowed your own friends. ↩︎

  15. As found family becomes more common, it’s important to find people who are also OK with your found family and friends. ↩︎