The Narcissist prayer works by gaslighting, or overwriting someone else’s reality. Two people believe different things – the Narcissist is very forceful about their version of events and when confronted becomes the victim.
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
It’s worth committing to memory each line of the prayer to be aware of toxic micro-interactions.
That didn't happen. (1 - Negate)
And if it did, it wasn't that bad. (2 - Minimize)
And if it was, that's not a big deal. (3 - Project)
And if it is, that's not my fault. (4 - That's How The World is)
And if it was, I didn't mean it. (5 - Claim Pure Intentions)
And if I did, you deserved it. (6 - DARVO)
Short Definition of Narcissism with Examples
The Nature Example - Two People, Two Childhoods
cw: child neglect, narcissism, NPD.
Quinn enjoys nature. Quinn spent a lot of time outside since early childhood. Quinn has easy access to the feelings nature gives them: peace, safety, comfort, connection. When Quinn was growing up, Quinn’s parents validated Quinn’s feelings often going on hiking and camping trips and repeatedly telling Quinn that Quinn’s feelings were important. Quinn’s parents weren’t really into camping or hiking, themselves, but they made time for Quinn to pursue their interests. Quinn has felt these feelings, clearly, for years and has a lot of practice. When someone says nature is stupid … Quinn’s internal feelings don’t change. Quinn understands, “This person hates nature, but that’s OK, it doesn’t change how I feel about it.”
Morgan hates nature. When asked why Morgan responds by mentioning a famous conservative YouTuber who hates the national parks system and promotes drilling in ANWR. Early in Morgan’s life, going to school they talked to other kids who got to go to parks and decided they wanted to go. When Morgan asked their parents, their parents became angry telling Morgan to go play videogames. Morgan asked one more time, but this time Morgan’s dad screamed at them to leave them alone. Morgan’s brain, trying to optimize for staying in the family and not being exiled now buries the desire under a new emotion, shame. Years have passed. Since shame is a deeply painful experience, when Morgan was exposed to the famous YouTuber they latched on immediately, with a ready made excuse why enjoying nature isn’t important or worth doing.
The core of narcissism is avoiding shame at all costs by trying to do what others value. Morgan is validated by the Famous YouTuber and is now part of a community which helps them avoid shame, by substituting it for anger. Human seek social validation … some us, like Quinn, get it unconditionally and others, like Morgan, get it with conditions attached. The greater the conditions attached, the more distant from ourselves we become, until our internal world looks more like a mask to be put on than a person.
In this example Quinn and Morgan have the same starting conditions, but very different kinds of validation.
(1) That Didn’t Happen - Negate
Quinn: You stepped on my foot.
Morgan: I didn’t.
Morgan learned early in life the easy way out is to invalidate people. Morgan was invalidated early and often, so now … they are doing what they’ve learned to others. Lying to Morgan is a better outcome then feeling shame.
Quinn (to themselves): Maybe I imagined it?
Quinn (to themselves): Maybe they didn’t notice.
(2) And If It Did, It Wasn’t That Bad - Minimize
Quinn: No, you did step on my foot.
Morgan: It looks fine.
Morgan doesn’t understand the problem. The foot looks fine. Morgan doesn’t have a strong sense of Quinn’s internal world, not really having one themselves. Minimizing what happened comes easily, and avoids shame.
Quinn (to themselves): This hurts, but maybe it’s not so bad?
Quinn (to themselves): Morgan is pretty confident I’m OK, I’ll be OK.
(3) And If It was, That’s Not a Big Deal - Project
Quinn: Um … it does hurt, it hurts a lot.
Morgan: It happens, people’s feet get stepped on all the time.
When Morgan was growing up, they heard this line used … a lot. Something would happen and Morgan’s parents would go “That’s how the world is.” No one in Morgan’s family took responsibility for things … now Morgan doesn’t.
Quinn (to themselves): (Still in pain) I guess this is OK.
(4) And if it is, that’s not my fault - That’s How The World is
Quinn: Morgan, this really hurts!
Morgan: It isn’t my fault, I’m clumsy.
At this point Quinn knows how this whole exchange is supposed to go. Morgan is supposed to validate Quinn’s intangible reality, harm has happened. How Morgan sees it is … this is how the world works. Morgan’s parents have told them they are clumsy hundreds of times. Morgan is just clumsy, there isn’t any changing this.
Quinn (to themselves): Why can’t Morgan just say they are sorry?
(5) And if it was, I didn’t mean it - Claim Pure Intentions
Quinn: I get it, you are clumsy. Are you sorry?
Morgan: I didn’t intend to step on you.
Morgan has admitted to being clumsy. Now the shame is going full-tilt, because Morgan has partly admitted to being involved and making a mistake. Morgan would rather not be friends, period, vs feel that level of shame. Morgan says since they didn’t mean to hurt Quinn, the harm doesn’t count.
Quinn (to themselves): … But you still hurt me. Please acknowledge you hurt me. Please acknowledge you care.
(6) And if I did, you deserved it - DARVO
Quinn: What? You stepped on me, say you are sorry.
Morgan: … You were in my way. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Stop attacking me! Calm down.
This is the end of the script. From here it can repeat, but what it usually turns into is JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) as Quinn and Morgan go around endlessly trying to get the other to agree to how to see the event. Quinn wants validation, Morgan doesn’t want to feel shame.
Quinn (to themselves): Maybe I’m not being clear enough … Let me try again.
References
Dr. Ramani - YouTube
Dr. Ramani - Narcissistic relationships and the trap of the “almost win”
Dr. Ramani - What does it mean when a narcissist says “I love you”?
Narcissist Support
Darvo - Southpark