Search This Blog

NVC Needs Inventory

If you allow yourself to have needs, consider this list from Nonviolent Communication. 



A public version you can copy and edit is on Coggle.

Another list
Needs Inventory


My Current Recommendations

My Current Recommendations

Take what you can use, and apply it. I love this set of lists here.

I feel the core of path is kindness, kindness, kindness, kindness.

The tradition I follow most closely is Thai Forest Buddhism. I’m into jhanas bramaviharas, and self-compassion. I also do somatic stuff.

The one book I’d recommend without reservation or context is Kindfulness, by Ajahn Brahm.

Ajahn Brahm is the abbot of Bodhinyana monastery and is featured in videos recorded by the Buddhist Society Western Australia. They practice Thai Forest Buddhism, which includes jhana and bramavihara work.

I’ve had previous experience with Zen. I don’t follow Zen because I feel it deviates too far from what Siddhārtha Gautama intended, 2500 years ago. Jhanas don’t get a lot of mention there, or the bramaviharas. Zen is an excellent path for those who just want to practice (zazen is just sitting) and not get caught up in books or texts.

I enjoy reading the root texts, which can be found here – a lot of which are the actual words of the Buddha. The Buddha had strong ideas about what would happen to the religion he founded, as described in the simile The Peg.

I have previous experience with Pragmatic Dharma. My feelings are, this enlightenment stuff, it all comes from this one guy (the Buddha), and anything outside of that waters it down. I get a lot of folxs aren’t into stuff like Karma or Reincarnation or Making Merit, you don’t have to be. Buddhism is meant to be a hands-on, limited faith tradition, with optional cool mystical things related to personal experience. There are meditations to see previous lives. I need to be honest here and say I came into this from pragmatic dharma – I got stream entry from reading both MCTB and TMI; however I recommend them in a very limited way now. I don’t actively recommend them anymore because they place too much emphasis on striving and not enough emphasis on ease, kindness, jhanas or bramaviharas. Pragmatic dharma is really good for those who struggle with trust – I know I did.

If you are into the pragmatic stuff, don’t let me stop you, my opinion is Theravada based on the core texts is closer to the truth. I know when I started I was in the group that was allergic to reading suttas and allergic to all the mystical stuff. My own blog entry would not have helped me :) That’s how this stuff goes.

Why the emphasis on jhana and bramaviharas anyway? Well, the short answer is, they are nibbana now. Nibbana means quenching, like a fire getting cold by pouring water on it. Learning a degree of mental mastery via concentration practices allows us to step out of conditions now. The Buddha was all about relieving suffering, right now.

The bramaviharas are mental states, cultivated sublimes: Loving Acceptance, Loving Action, Loving Connection, and Loving Celebration. They are love, love, love, wonderful places to be, free from suffering. Of course, you lose access sometimes, but via cultivation they become Home.

I’d recommend practicing with other people. Finding a local group really helped me, and I’m active on Meditation Mind, a pretty big Discord server. It’s lovely to have folxs to share the path with.

Additional Resources

Practical Meditation: A Simple Step-by-Step Guide - Giovanni Dienstmann
Zen Mind, Beginners Mind - Shunryu Suzuki
Kindfulness - Ajahn Brahm

Bramaviharas

Boundless Heart - Christina Feldman
Loving-Kindness - Sharon Salzberg

Jhanas

Right Concentration - Leigh Brasington
Rob Burbea’s Jhana Talks
The Jhanas in Theravada Buddhism - Henepola Gunaratana
The Path of Serenity and Insight - Bhante Henepola Gunaratana

Trauma Aware

Dissociation, Mindfulness, and Creative Meditations - Christine Forner
Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness - David Treavlan

Self Compassion

Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach
Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion (Meditations and Exercises)
The Power of Vulnerability - Brene Brown (A video on shame)

Elder Texts

The Path of Purification - Visuddhimagga (not canon)
The Abhidhammattha Sangaha (not canon)
The Path of Discrimination - Patisambhidamagga

v1.10- Last edit 18-Oct-2021
© 2021. This work is licensed under a CC BY 4.0 license.

DBT - DEAR MAN

DBT - DEAR MAN

DBT - Guidelines for Objectives Effectiveness: Getting What You Want1

Describe the situation.
Express your feelings.
Assert by asking or saying no.
Reinforce by describing a positive outcome.

Mindfully stay on the goal.
Appear confident.
Negotiate.

Describe

Calmly describe the situation using objective facts. Do not place blame.
Stay on topic.

“Spend less time on your phone!”
“Why are you on your phone all the time?”

“I see you are on your phone.”

“You need to do the dishes!”
“When are you going to do the dishes?”

“I noticed the dishes haven’t been done yet.”

Express

Feelings and opinions. Keep statements about how you feel.

“You are so easily distracted”
“You ignore me all the time!”

“I feel lonely when you spend so much time on your phone.”

“You always make me beg you do to the dishes.”

“I’m frustrated the dishes haven’t been done.”

Assert

Ask for what you want. Say no clearly. Others cannot read your mind.

“Please spend some time with me.”

"We’ve agreed that each of us does the dishes, every other meal.

Reinforce

Explain a positive outcome that happens if you get what you want.

"We can play a game together.

"When the dishes are done, we’ll both feel better.

Mindfully

Focus on your goal. Don’t get distracted.

Appear Confident

Use a confident tone of voice, make eye contact, an assertive posture.

Negotiate

Give to get, reduce the request, say no, but offer to do something else, focus on what would work.

  1. This article is based on

    DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
    Dr. Marsha Linehan.
    Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 5 pg. 145
    Amazon Affiliate Link ↩︎

DBT - Sleep Hygiene Protocol

DBT - Sleep Hygiene Protocol - Emotion Regulation Handout 20B.1

When You Can’t Sleep, What to Do Instead of Ruminating

To Increase the Likelihood of Restfulness/Sleep

  1. Develop and follow a consistent sleep schedule even on weekends. Go to bed and get up at the same times each day, and avoid anything longer than a 10-minute nap during the day.

  2. Do not use your bed in the daytime for things like watching TV, talking on the phone, or reading.

  3. Avoid caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, heavy meals, and exercise late in the day before going to sleep.

  4. When prepared to sleep, turn off the light, and keep the room quiet and the temperature comfortable and relatively cool. Try an electric blanket if you are cold; putting your feet outside of the blanket or turning on a fan directed toward your bed if you are hot; or wearing a sleeping mask, using earplugs, or turning on a “white noise” machine if needed.

  5. Give yourself half an hour to at most an hour to fall asleep. If it doesn’t work, evaluate whether you are calm, or anxious (even if only “background anxiety”), or ruminating.

  6. Do not catastrophize. Remind yourself that you need rest, and aim for reverie (i.e., dreaminess) and resting your brain. Sell yourself on the idea that staying awake is not a catastrophe. Do not decide to give up on sleeping for the night and get up for the “day.”

If You Are Calm but Wide Awake

  1. Get out of bed; go to another room and read a book or do some other activity that will not wake you up further. As you begin to get tired and/or sleepy, go back to bed.

  2. Try a light snack (e.g., an apple).

If You Are Anxious or Ruminating

  1. Use the cold water TIP skill. Get right back in bed and do the paced breathing TIP skill. (See Distress Tolerance Handout 6: TIP Skills: Changing Your Body Chemistry.) Remember, if you have any medical condition, get medical approval before using cold water.

  2. Try the 9–0 meditation practice. Breathe in deeply and breathe out slowly, saying in your mind the number 9. On the next breath out, say 8; then say 7; and so on until you breathe out saying 0. Then start over, but this time start with 8 (instead of 9) as you breathe out, followed by 7, and so on until you reach 0. Next start with 6 as you breathe out, and so on to 0. Then start with 5, then with 4, and so on until you have gone all the way down to starting with 1. (If you get lost, start over with the last number you remember.) Continue until you fall asleep.

  3. Focus on the bodily sensation of the rumination (rumination is often escape from difficult emotional sensations).

  4. Reassure yourself that worries in the middle of the night are just “middle-of-the-night-thinking,” and that in the morning you will think and feel differently.

  5. Read an emotionally engrossing novel for a few minutes until you feel somewhat tired. Then stop reading, close your eyes, and try to continue the novel in your head.

  6. If rumination doesn’t stop, follow these guidelines: “If it’s solvable, solve it. If it is insolvable, go deep into the worry all the way to the “catastrophe”—the very worst outcome you can imagine—and then imagine coping ahead with the catastrophe. (See Emotion Regulation Handout 19: Build Mastery and Cope Ahead.)

If nothing else works, with eyes closed, listen to public radio (BBC, NPR , etc.) at low volume (use headphones if necessary). Public radio is a good choice for this, because there is little fluctuation in voice tone or volume.

v1.1 10-Mar-2022

  1. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
    Dr. Marsha Linehan.
    Emotional Regulation Handout 20B pg. 259 ↩︎

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)