DBT - Guidelines for Objectives Effectiveness: Getting What You Want1
Describe the situation.
Express your feelings.
Assert by asking or saying no.
Reinforce by describing a positive outcome.
Mindfully stay on the goal.
Appear confident.
Negotiate.
Describe
Calmly describe the situation using objective facts. Do not place blame.
Stay on topic.
“Spend less time on your phone!”
“Why are you on your phone all the time?”
“I see you are on your phone.”
“You need to do the dishes!”
“When are you going to do the dishes?”
“I noticed the dishes haven’t been done yet.”
Express
Feelings and opinions. Keep statements about how you feel.
“You are so easily distracted”
“You ignore me all the time!”
“I feel lonely when you spend so much time on your phone.”
“You always make me beg you do to the dishes.”
“I’m frustrated the dishes haven’t been done.”
Assert
Ask for what you want. Say no clearly. Others cannot read your mind.
“Please spend some time with me.”
"We’ve agreed that each of us does the dishes, every other meal.
Reinforce
Explain a positive outcome that happens if you get what you want.
"We can play a game together.
"When the dishes are done, we’ll both feel better.
Mindfully
Focus on your goal. Don’t get distracted.
Appear Confident
Use a confident tone of voice, make eye contact, an assertive posture.
Negotiate
Give to get, reduce the request, say no, but offer to do something else, focus on what would work.
This article is based on
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
Dr. Marsha Linehan.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 5 pg. 145
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