Search This Blog

Meditation Is Not a Zero Risk Activity

Practicing, guiding, teaching, and/or suggesting meditation involves risk.

The big risks are: suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm, flashbacks, dissociation, changes in behavior, changes in relationships, changes at work … all kinds of human behavior. It is difficult to predict what a practice can uncover or reveal.

Meditation can arouse difficult feelings, memories, and awareness. In our culture of self-reliance, the things brought to the surface can deeply hurt us, without the support of others.

This is one of the reasons a teacher is frequently recommended: to identify when support is needed, and provide it.

First, Do No Harm

I think meditation is best when it doesn’t add to our existing pain.

A framework of First, Do No Harm will have clear boundaries around when to stop a session.

Ariadne’s Stopping Points

  • Emotions associated with self-harm.
    • Hopelessness, helplessness, despair1
  • Dissociation2
  • Flashbacks
  • Chest pain

Guiding our own practice, I recommend erring on the side of caution. Can a practice be made gentler?

Guiding others practices … is there enough mindfulness and attentiveness to understand how others are doing? Can you tell if someone is dissociating? Do you know them well enough to sense a change in their behavior?

In Ourselves

  • Emotions
    • Positive? Negative? Helpful? Hurtful?3
  • Pain
    • Around the head? Chest?
  • Thoughts
    • Memories? Tasks? Arguments?

In Others

  • Posture
    • Turned in? Guarded? Withdrawn? Excited? Animated?
  • Energy
    • More? Less?
  • Speech
    • Nonverbal? Quiet? Reserved?
  • Breathing
    • Labored? Missing? Breath-holding?
  • Skin
    • Flushed? Pale? Goose-bumps?

These groups are at risk for harm

I’ve seen these groups struggle most. It is by no means definitive.

Self-loathing4

Inability to meditate is frequently tied to moral agency, and seen as a personal failing.

Traumatized

Quiet introspection can lead to flashbacks.

Dissociative5

Difficult emotions, unfamiliar tasks, and pressures can lead to dissociation.

Low Dopamine - ADHD6

Failure to sit still, and/or pay attention.

Metta is Especially Dangerous

This is a well-intentioned and bright practice. I’m familiar with it from Buddhism, where it has prerequisites for safety:

  • Stable loving community
  • Secure attachment
  • Easy call up of the feelings of love and compassion.

Those without the above prerequisites are in danger.

A Typical Metta failure:7

  1. Someone is told to direct their attention towards feelings of love and kindness.
  2. They cannot.
  3. As they continuously fail to arouse these feelings, much darker feelings are aroused.

Categories of feelings they might feel instead (an incomplete list!):

  • Anger
    • Self-hatred.
  • Disgust
    • Contempt
  • Fear
    • Helpless, insecure, anxious, vulnerable.
  • Surprise
    • Shock, overwhelm, confusion
  • Sadness
    • Depressed, hopeless, miserable, despair, heartbroken
  • Shame
    • Self-conscious, chagrin8, humiliation.

Specific feelings that can lead to suicidal ideation:

  • Fear - helpless, vulnerability
  • Sadness - hopelessness, despair9

Recommended Materials

Books

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness - David Treleaven

Mindfulness Oriented Interventions for Trauma - A Routledge Press book. Interventions for clinicians.

Other Sites

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness - Courses, Zoom meetups.

Meditation Safety Toolbox - Resources for clinicians, 73 files covering: MBSR/MBCT Guidelines, Informed Consent, Screening, Monitoring, Mechanism, Management.

Cheetah House - Help for meditators in distress

Online Courses.

First Do No Harm: Foundational Competencies for Working Skillfully with Meditation-Related Challenges - 3-Day Meditation Safety Training for MBSR/CT teachers

Dissociation Treatment Targets

What is Mindfulness?

redirect: sitwithariadne.com/meditation-is-not-zero-risk
v1.1 - Last edit 8-July-2024
This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

  1. When I have these emotions I’m in either distress or crisis. See the below charts.
    DBT Crisis Skills
    DBT Reality Acceptance ↩︎

  2. It’s hard to define dissociation, it’s easier to define it as the opposite of mindfulness.
    What is Mindfulness ↩︎

  3. It took some practice, but I stop at self-loathing, and self-criticism. I do something else, like go for a walk, do some art, sleep. ↩︎

  4. Can lead to shame-anger-rage spirals. ↩︎

  5. Especially insidious because it can look like meditation. People who dissociate tend to be very quiet (nonverbal). To communicate to someone dissociative, ask if people would like to write down their thoughts and feelings. ↩︎

  6. The texts call this restlessness. I call it a dopamine shortfall. Meditation is easier with movement, music, interesting sensory objects, medication, and/or caffeine. ↩︎

  7. Metta is one of my favorite targets, but also the most fickle for me. I have a trauma and dissociative background, I had to learn this stuff to sort dissociation from meditation. ↩︎

  8. This is the feeling felt when someone said “I feel like a failure.” That’s chagrin. ↩︎

  9. I have felt everything on this list first-hand. I have contemplated suicide from failed Metta sessions. I know others who have also contemplated suicide from failed Metta sessions. ↩︎

Trolley Problems

The trolley thought experiment is an example that uses violence to create more violence. Let me demonstrate how.

From Wikipedia:

Imagine the following:

An unstoppable trolley is moving along a set of railroad tracks.

Ahead, there is a switch leading to two pairs of tracks. Past the switch are two tracks:

Tracks 1: This is the default route if no action is taken. Five people are tied to the tracks and cannot move. If the trolley takes this route these five people will surely die.

Track 2: The trolley takes this route if and only if the switch is activated. One person is tied to the tracks. If the trolley takes this route this person will surely die.

Usually this problem is given with some stipulations:

  1. The participant being invited to engage with this imagined scenario must make a choice.
  2. There will be death.
  3. An ethical problem is present.

I’d like to invite a few adjacent questions:

How much violence is used on the participant to force compliance with taking the responsibility implied in this thought problem

“You must do something.”

Why do we feel compelled to engage?

This can devolve into, “Well, if you do nothing those five people die and it will be your fault.”

… Notice there is some gaslighting there. Notice the guilt-trip. Notice the way the participant is asked to engage involves violence.

“This is your fault.” Did you build the trolley? The switch? The tracks? Tie people to the rails? Did you lead a bystander with no involvement to a switch? Tell them they must do something?

“You are now involved.” In the abuse literature this would be forced teaming. Forced teaming is along the lines of “Now that we are in this, together, you might as well participate.”

Forced teaming is another compliance tool.

Violence usually involves force to gain compliance, in this case compliance with engaging in the problem.

I’d invite the reader to go “Oh, sorry. I don’t engage with violent thought problems.”

Notice how the problem is designed. It contains a high amount of surreality, situations that cannot be real.

So many stipulations to attempt to force compliance:

  • It can’t be stopped
  • It happens regardless
  • The trolley can’t control itself
  • These are the only choices
  • Someone must die
  • “Everyone knows what the right choice is”
  • “You know what you have to do”

Real-life situations are rarely either-or. If a problem appears either-or, I’d invite you to do some more brainstorming to think of another solution.

If someone says “you must comply” know … what they are really saying is “I hope you don’t recognize you have a choice to say no, and walk away.”

We can avoid a lot of suffering by choosing to not participate.

v1.1 - Last edit 8-July-2024
This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

Good Bad Who Knows

It’s a story Ajahn Brahm told on one of his YouTube videos. Valerie and I share it below.

tl:dr we can’t know if something is of benefit when it happens.

A king is out hunting, his royal physician is right beside him, ahead of the rest of the retinue. The king injures his finger somehow, scrapes it on something, and he calls his physician over. The physician does a proper job bandaging it, and the king asks “Will my finger be okay?”

The physician shrugs and says, “Good, bad, who knows?”
The king is grumpy about this, but lets it go.

The next day, the king summons his physician again. His finger is swollen, hot, red, and inflamed. The physician changes the bandages, cleans the wound as well as possible, and again, the king demands to know if his finger will be okay.

The physician shrugs, and says, “Good, bad, who knows?”
The king is angry, but what can you do? Good doctors are hard to find.

On the third day, the finger is even worse, the infection is spreading. The physician is called, and informs the king that the finger has to be removed. The king is furious with him, convinced he could have done more, or didn’t care enough, and now he has to have his finger taken off. He rages at the physician about how awful an outcome this is.

The physician, finished, calmly putting away his tools, shrugs, and says, “Good, bad, who knows?”
The king is outraged. He orders the physician put in jail, and leaves him there.

Two weeks later, the king’s hand is recovered enough that he again goes out to hunt. This time, he charges ahead of his retinue, becoming separated from them, in the thrill of the hunt. He unwittingly wanders into another tribe’s territory, and is captured. The people that capture him see him as a providential gift, royalty to be sacrificed to their god. They put him up against a tree, prepare the ritual, and are about to kill him… but as the head priest inspects him, he notices something and calls out, “Wait! This man is missing a finger! We can’t offer up a damaged sacrifice to our god!”

So reluctantly, they let him go, and he returns home. When he gets there, he immediately goes to the dungeon to free the physician.

The king tells the story, about how losing his finger had saved his life, and admitted that the physician’s outlook had been the right one to take. He begged the physician’s forgiveness, saying that he had wronged him terribly.

The physician said, “King, haven’t you been listening to me? Good, bad, who knows?! If you hadn’t locked me up, I would have been right there, captured beside you, and I have all of my body parts!”

Conceit

One of the upper fetters is conceit. I’ve been looking for a formal definition of conceit so I could start practicing with it.

I was watching a talk from Ajahn Brahm about MN20 - The Removal of Distracting Thoughts and … there is a place he defined conceit.

Conceit

  • I am better
  • I am worse
  • I am the same

I’ve started working with conceit directly using a mantra to the opposite:
“Not better, not worse, not the same.”

Not Better

Sometimes I get a strong effectual feeling.

Maybe I have a meditation go well, or I give really solid help to someone. Maybe I’m comparing my situation to someone else. From this position I am in a desirous place.

Conceit arises. I am better!

I’ve been practicing telling myself,
“Where I am and how my life goes is tied to my circumstances and intentions.”
“Where this other person is and how their life goes is tied to their circumstances and their intentions.”

I allow myself gratitude – for my circumstances, and for my intentions. I send others in a less desirous place metta, vs contempt or scorn for “not knowing better.” I avoid blaming others for their circumstances or intentions.

Not Worse

Some circumstances are clearly desirous (friends, family, health, genetics) and many do not have desirous circumstances.

Conceit arises. I am worse!

I allow myself sadness and grief – for my circumstances. I send myself metta vs contempt or scorn for “not knowing better.” I avoid blaming myself for my circumstances or intentions.

Not the Same

Parts of my experience are similar to others. Maybe I hear someone relate a part of their life then feel “Oh, I have the answer to this, because I’ve experienced something similar.”

I’ve been practicing telling myself, “I am similar but not the same. I don’t know this person’s circumstances unless they tell me. I must be careful of my projections onto them.”

MN20 Removal Of Distracting Thoughts

The earlier Buddhist texts have a sutta on the suggested ways of removing distracting thoughts.

I have made a printable MN20 wall chart.

MN20. The Removal of Distracting Thoughts 
Print as PDF or duplicate, remix, and share via CC-BY 4.0.

References



v1.2 - Last edit 16-April-2022
© 2021. This work is licensed under a CC BY 4.0 license. 

The Starfish Story

The original story is credited to Loren Eisley (1907-1977)

Below is my remixed version. Each time I tell it I change it a little bit.

The Starfish Story

An old man walks along a beach he lives nearby.

… the previous night, a storm came through.

And all along the beach, glittering in the morning sun, are starfish.

… drying out. dying. too far from the ocean for the tide to get them.

thousands, as far as he can see. Soundless death.

The old man stops. He’s seen many strange things on this beach.

Continuing … he’s careful to step over each one, feeling sadness with each step.

Anyway, after about an hour of careful walking, in the distance, he can make out a figure, … moving around erratically.

Getting closer it’s a girl.

… closer still, it’s a girl, throwing starfish back into the ocean.

… carefully picking up each one, giving it a toss, just a few feet back into the water.

The girl and the old man come closer, until they are within conversation distance of each other.

The old man, looks at the girl, astonished and irritated.

“What are you doing? You can’t possibly save them all, it doesn’t matter”

The girl smiling, looks up making eye contact. We hear a splash.

“… It mattered to that one!”

redirect: sitwithariadne.com/the-starfish-story
v1.2 - Last edit 23-Feb-2023
© 2023. This work is licensed under CC BY 4.0 (share and remix)

Attachment Styles

The below is from Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair – Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott

These items are unchanged and appear on page 108 of the above text.

Secure Attachment

  • Seeks emotional closeness with others
  • Able to establish emotional intimacy
  • Comfortable with mutual dependence
  • Comfortable being alone
  • Positive self-image and other image
  • Warm and open with others
  • Accepts criticism without significant distress
  • Strong sense of self
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-observational skills
  • Self-reflective skills
  • Able to trust in relationship
  • Relationships tend to be stable, lasting
  • Open with others about feelings
  • Positive feelings about relationships
  • Balanced experience of emotions—neither too little nor too much
  • Values attachment

Dismissing Attachment

  • Avoidance of getting close or being intimate
  • Discomfort with closeness
  • Ambivalence
  • Dismissing behaviors
  • Aloofness and contempt
  • Mistrust about depending on others
  • Difficulty getting close
  • Preference for remaining distant
  • Fear of closeness
  • Lack of emotion or minimization of emotional expression
  • Discomfort with opening up, especially about private thoughts
  • False self
  • Pulls away if someone gets close
  • Illusion of self-sufficiency
  • Alexithymia

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

  • Excessive worry about relationships
  • Worry that one’s partner won’t care as much as he or she does
  • Obsessive preoccupation with and rumination about the relationship
  • Excessive need for approval
  • Ignoring signs of trouble in the relationship
  • Fear of scaring people away
  • Fear of abandonment/rejection/criticism
  • Resentment when partner spends time away from the relationship
  • Angry withdrawal
  • Frustration if partner is not available
  • Feels extremely upset/depressed when receives disapproval
  • Easily upset, with intensified displays of distress or anger
  • Jealousy
  • Fear of being alone
  • Compulsive caretaking
  • Submissive, acquiescent, suggestible
  • Seeks attachment at the expense of autonomy
  • Work, school, or friends get less attention than the relationship partner
  • Compulsive care-seeking
  • Partner describes self as “smothered” or “suffocated”
  • Eager to be with partner all the time
  • Needs excessive reassurance
  • Clinging, demanding, nagging, sulking
  • Desire to merge
  • Attempts to win favor or impress
  • Forces responses from partner
  • Self-centeredness, showing off, center of attention

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment

Disorganized Internal World

  • Dysregulated psychophysiological state
  • Affect dysregulation (too much or too little)
  • Lapses in self-observation or monitoring
  • Discontinuous self-states and affect states
  • Cognitive distortion, confusion, and drive-dominated thinking

Disorganized Behavior

  • Impaired self-agency and goal-directed behavior
  • Inhibition of exploration and play

Disorganized Attachment Behavior

  • Activation of contradictory attachment strategies
  • Controlling behaviors
  • Submissive or excessive caretaking behaviors
  • “Stable instability” in relationships
  • Defensive aggression and helplessness
  • Inability to elicit desired responses

v1.1 7-Mar-2022
These materials are the copyright of the respective owners.

Basic Sequence

  1. Assume it’s possible to live with less misery/despair/suffering/torment/anguish/pain/regret (suffering). It is self-compassion to desire less suffering.

  2. Using self-compassion, begin to look inward and see that your current mental-system/emotional-intelligence/mindfulness/consciousness/awareness/presence/skillset (the-mind) isn’t sufficient to currently reduce suffering to a place you’d like. Realize it’s possible some of your suffering might be caused by maladaptive stuff in the-mind.

  3. Figure out what a conceptual model of a preferred emotional system would be. “I’d like to suffer the least amount possible while being alive while in general having as much happiness and joy as possible” (serenity) as a working example. – Direct the self-compassion towards getting serenity.

  4. Looking for the exit to suffering, gain new skills and experiences with art/meditation/yoga/exercise/dance/improv/therapy/prayer/religion/psychedelics/mysticism/a-vocation/purpose1 (interior skills).

  5. Use these interior skills with the-mind to see how the balance between serenity/suffering works.

    • Notice you sometimes have serenity when doing interior skills.
    • Notice when not doing the interior skills there tends to be more suffering.

  6. Notice how the-mind can fall into suffering. Practice getting it back into serenity. Discover that the process is very cause-and-effect (dependencies).

  7. Train the-mind to default to serenity. Practice attaining and staying in serenity.

v1.4 - Last edit 25-Feb-2022
© 2022. This work is licensed under CC BY 4.0 (share and remix)

  1. Things that lead towards pleasant emotions with the least amount of harm ↩︎

Who Am I Anyway

cw: pain, abuse, trauma, dissociation, suicide, self-harm

I frequently experience dissociation so I have a lot of coping strategies to manage it.

Forgetting things isn’t glamorous. If I don’t write something down, I will forget it. This blog represents some of the brightest parts of myself I want to remember and share with others.

Without written record, my lived experience sometimes becomes moment-to-moment and some moments are unbearable. I’m in several overlapping groups for suicide risk. I want to survive those future moments of pain.

Some of the charts found on this blog, I have laminated in my house. They are my personal materials.

Other charts I have made to reference quickly for online peer-support.

In the spirit of giving this blog isn’t monetized. Most of the content I write is dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 so it can be copied, remixed, and repurposed.

I hope nothing I’ve written on this blog causes myself or others to come to harm.

Contact Me
Email: sit with ariadne [at] gmail [dot] com

redirect: sitwithariadne.com/this-is-me
v2.3 - Last edit 8-July-2024
This is work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)