The Starfish Story

The original story is credited to Loren Eisley (1907-1977)

Below is my remixed version. Each time I tell it I change it a little bit.

The Starfish Story

An old man walks along a beach he lives nearby.

… the previous night, a storm came through.

And all along the beach, glittering in the morning sun, are starfish.

… drying out. dying. too far from the ocean for the tide to get them.

thousands, as far as he can see. Soundless death.

The old man stops. He’s seen many strange things on this beach.

Continuing … he’s careful to step over each one, feeling sadness with each step.

Anyway, after about an hour of careful walking, in the distance, he can make out a figure, … moving around erratically.

Getting closer it’s a girl.

… closer still, it’s a girl, throwing starfish back into the ocean.

… carefully picking up each one, giving it a toss, just a few feet back into the water.

The girl and the old man come closer, until they are within conversation distance of each other.

The old man, looks at the girl, astonished and irritated.

“What are you doing? You can’t possibly save them all, it doesn’t matter”

The girl smiling, looks up making eye contact. We hear a splash.

“… It mattered to that one!”


redirect: sitwithariadne.com/the-starfish-story
v1.2 - Last edit 23-Feb-2023
© 2023. This work is licensed under CC BY 4.0 (share and remix)

Attachment Styles

The below is from Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair – Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott

These items are unchanged and appear on page 108 of the above text.

Secure Attachment

  • Seeks emotional closeness with others
  • Able to establish emotional intimacy
  • Comfortable with mutual dependence
  • Comfortable being alone
  • Positive self-image and other image
  • Warm and open with others
  • Accepts criticism without significant distress
  • Strong sense of self
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-observational skills
  • Self-reflective skills
  • Able to trust in relationship
  • Relationships tend to be stable, lasting
  • Open with others about feelings
  • Positive feelings about relationships
  • Balanced experience of emotions—neither too little nor too much
  • Values attachment

Dismissing Attachment

  • Avoidance of getting close or being intimate
  • Discomfort with closeness
  • Ambivalence
  • Dismissing behaviors
  • Aloofness and contempt
  • Mistrust about depending on others
  • Difficulty getting close
  • Preference for remaining distant
  • Fear of closeness
  • Lack of emotion or minimization of emotional expression
  • Discomfort with opening up, especially about private thoughts
  • False self
  • Pulls away if someone gets close
  • Illusion of self-sufficiency
  • Alexithymia

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

  • Excessive worry about relationships
  • Worry that one’s partner won’t care as much as he or she does
  • Obsessive preoccupation with and rumination about the relationship
  • Excessive need for approval
  • Ignoring signs of trouble in the relationship
  • Fear of scaring people away
  • Fear of abandonment/rejection/criticism
  • Resentment when partner spends time away from the relationship
  • Angry withdrawal
  • Frustration if partner is not available
  • Feels extremely upset/depressed when receives disapproval
  • Easily upset, with intensified displays of distress or anger
  • Jealousy
  • Fear of being alone
  • Compulsive caretaking
  • Submissive, acquiescent, suggestible
  • Seeks attachment at the expense of autonomy
  • Work, school, or friends get less attention than the relationship partner
  • Compulsive care-seeking
  • Partner describes self as “smothered” or “suffocated”
  • Eager to be with partner all the time
  • Needs excessive reassurance
  • Clinging, demanding, nagging, sulking
  • Desire to merge
  • Attempts to win favor or impress
  • Forces responses from partner
  • Self-centeredness, showing off, center of attention

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment

Disorganized Internal World

  • Dysregulated psychophysiological state
  • Affect dysregulation (too much or too little)
  • Lapses in self-observation or monitoring
  • Discontinuous self-states and affect states
  • Cognitive distortion, confusion, and drive-dominated thinking

Disorganized Behavior

  • Impaired self-agency and goal-directed behavior
  • Inhibition of exploration and play

Disorganized Attachment Behavior

  • Activation of contradictory attachment strategies
  • Controlling behaviors
  • Submissive or excessive caretaking behaviors
  • “Stable instability” in relationships
  • Defensive aggression and helplessness
  • Inability to elicit desired responses

v1.1 7-Mar-2022
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