The DBT materials are found on my other site, dbtwithariadne.com

My old website is sitwithariadne.blogspot.com.

Practicing, guiding, teaching, and/or suggesting meditation involves risk.

This page is the result of years of practicing and teaching meditaiton.

I have contemplated suicide from failed meditation sessions. I know others who have also contemplated suicide from failed meditaiton sessions.

First, Do No Harm

I think meditation is not intended to harm us.

A framework of First, Do No Harm will have clear boundaries around when to stop a session.

Risks

The Unavoidables

Changes in behavior (sometimes good, sometimes bad)

Mechanics of Meditation and Trauma

Our brains have an organ called the medial prefrontal cortext (mPFC). It's basically the spot on our brows between our eyeballs. It's also the seat of mindfulness.

Developed mindfulness leads to an altered state of consiounsess as distict and different as being awake is to being asleep.

Our psyches know this ability is there ... trying to reach for it, and failing can be traumatic in-and-of-itself.

This altered state is meant to be learned under supervision from someone else with experience, a lot like how a child how to act via an adult shaping their behavior.

In our culture of self-reliance, mindfulness is seen as another activity, like watching TV, or going for a walk. It isn't.

I strongly recommend listening to guided meditations, for years if required. It's OK to need support in this area.

Ariadne's Stopping Points

These are the "do not continue" feelings

Emotions associated with self-harm

Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair
Flashbacks
Chest pain

In Others

Sensing a stoping point in someone else being guided is much harder.

Posture

Turned in?
Guarded?
Withdrawn?
Excited?
Animated?

Groups are at risk for meditation harm

I've seen these groups struggle most. It is by no means definitive.

Self-loathing

Self-hate prevents mindfulness.

Inability to meditate is frequently tied to moral agency, and seen as a personal failing.

Difficulty meditating is not a moral failing.

Traumatized

Quiet introspection can lead to flashbacks.

Dissociative

Difficult emotions, unfamiliar tasks, and pressures can lead to dissociation.

Especially insidious because it can look like meditation. People who dissociate tend to be very quiet (nonverbal). To communicate to someone non-verbal, ask if they would like to write down their thoughts and feelings.

Low Dopamine - ADHD

Failure to sit still, and/or pay attention.

Religious texts group this under "restlessness." Western medicine knows it as a dopamine shortfall. Meditation is easier with movement, music, interesting sensory objects, medication, and/or caffeine.

Metta is Especially Dangerous

This is a well-intentioned and bright practice. I'm familiar with it from Buddhism, where it has prerequisites for safety:

Stable loving community
Secure attachment
Easy call up of the feelings of love and compassion.

Those without the above prerequisites are in danger.

A Typical Metta failure

Someone is told to direct their attention towards feelings of love and kindness.
They cannot.
As they continuously fail to arouse these feelings, much darker feelings are aroused.

Categories of feelings they might feel instead (an incomplete list!):

Anger

Self-hatred

Disgust

Contempt

Fear

Helpless
Insecure
Anxious
Vulnerable

Surprise

Shock
Overwhelm
Confusion

Sadness

Depressed
Hopeless
Miserable
Fatigued
Despair
Heartbreak

Shame

Self-conscious
Embarassment
Humiliation
Awkward
Chagrin

Specific feelings that can lead to suicidal ideation

When two specific feelings combine, they lead directly to suicidal ideation

Hopeless
Despair

Recommended Materials

Books

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness - David Treleaven

Mindfulness Oriented Interventions for Trauma - A Routledge Press book. Interventions for clinicians.

Other Sites

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness - Courses, Zoom meetups.

Meditation Safety Toolbox - Resources for clinicians, 73 files covering: MBSR/MBCT Guidelines, Informed Consent, Screening, Monitoring, Mechanism, Management.

Cheetah House - Help for meditators in distress

Online Courses.

First Do No Harm: Foundational Competencies for Working Skillfully with Meditation-Related Challenges - 3-Day Meditation Safety Training for MBSR/CT teachers

My Links

Dissociation Treatment Targets

What is Mindfulness?

v2.2 - Last edit 21-Jan-2025

This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

From Dissociation, Mindfulness, and Creative Meditations

This part is verbatim (page 2):

Mindfulness is an altered state of awareness and consciousness. It is a "thing," it is a different way of being and it is as different as being awake than being asleep. The brain is different in a mindful state than ordinary consciousness; it is not just an act of the mind. [...] Mindfulness is a grander brain task and is based on the maturity of the brain, not just an act of the mind.

I have reworded and remixed what follows as Mindfulness Targets.

Emotions that are felt (usually very)

Self Connection
Grounded
Calm
Insightful
Blissful
Wholeness
Self-Compassion & compassion for others

The body feels like it is

Weighted
Solid
Comfortable
Home

Intuitive Knowledge of

Feelings and what they are for
Feelings as aspects and an extension of being (there is anger not "I am angry")

A sense of being

Loved and loving
Safe and in control of ourselves and the environment
Balanced, stable and regulated
Full bodied, and embodied
Generous to ourselves and others
In a state of loveliness

A sense of being connected to

Ourselves and others
Something greater than ourselves

Acting with

Compassion
Self-care & care for others
Patience for ourselves and others
Non-judgement and awareness of the whole self

v1.5 - 8-Jan-2025

Referenced works are the copyrights of their respective owners.

This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

This is a list of questions designed to invite reflection about what to look for in a teacher.

Has kindness, compassion, forgiveness, attunement, and understanding

Do they seek to understand? Empathize? Validate? Forgive? Are they soothing? Do you feel safe around them? Do others? Are they friendly towards the world? Others?

On a path they teach, advocate and live

A pastor at a church might advocate Christianity, a monk at a local temple might practice Zen, or someone on a YouTube channel might be a stoic. There is a path of practice and they are living their path.

Points towards behaviors leading towards changes

We change by doing something different. That could be: inner-work, prayer, art, meditation, grounding, orienting, Radical Acceptance, school, therapy, being in nature, building a social network, etc. A teacher knows a variety of behaviors leading towards changes.

Admits, owns, and apologizes for their mistakes

It's easy to hide parts of ourselves, especially the unflattering parts like mistakes and failures. These parts are just additional chapters in the story though. A teacher desiring for our welfare can share these unflattering parts to help others avoid unnecessary hardship and to re-affirm their shared humanity.

The saying here is, "The Master has failed more than the apprentice has tried."

Doesn't transcend their own humanity

Along the same lines as mistakes ... wants, desires, and feelings are an integral part of our humanity. They point towards the deepest aspects of ourselves. The alternative to acknowledging our wants, desires and feelings is dissociation and aversion.

Acknowledges the dark side of themselves

Mistakes, bypassing, transcending, and internal darkness all have one thing in common -- duality. A teacher should have a practice to integrate, validate, manage and holistically accept all parts of themselves.

Has emotions you'd want (happiness, contentment, balance)

Are they: Content? Balanced? Harmonious? Happy? Joyous? Equanimous?

Has a life you understand

Does their life seem worth living? You don't have to want to live their lifestyle but ... can you agree with how they live? Can you see the merit in their lifestyle?

Accessible

How do you visit or talk to them? Do you have to pay each time?

Manages their conceit and hypocrisy

If this person knows their stuff, when they share their knowledge, do they arouse emotions in others that aren't helpful? (Envy, disdain, resentment, etc.) Can they be modest? Avoids arguments? Are their claims reasonable? Do they claim to have a path, or the one true path? What do they consider wealth? How do they manage it?

Antigoals

Stuff you probably want to avoid

The Advaita Trap - Confusing the Absolute and the Relative

How to Identify Narcissists by their actions

v1.4 - Last edit 21-Jan-2025

This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

This is the minimum set of skills necessary to downregulate dissociation. These are found on page 146 of Christine Forner's book.

Phase One

Learning how to ground and uses grounding techniques
Learning emotional safety skills
Practicing Internal Communication between parts
Practicing Regulating Fear
- Insight into when being scared happens (when dissociation is possible)
- Getting out of the fear response
- Understand the difference between the past and present in regard to the fear response
Feel feelings without dissociation
Emote feelings without dissociation
Distinguish between procedurally learned experiences and new experiences
Able to take a mental pause
Basic empathy
Basic self attunement

References

Dissociation, Mindfulness, and Creative Meditations: Trauma-Informed Practices to Facilitate Growth - Christine C. Forner

Dissociation FAQ - International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation

Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults (2011) - International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation

Dissociative Experiences Scale - II (DES-II) - For printing and laminating

Dissociative Experiences Scale - II (DES-II) - Online version

Integration Measure (IM) - For printing, borrowed from M. Rose Barlow's Thesis.

v1.5 8-Jan-2025

Works on this page are used under Fair Use.

This is a work-in-progress

Philosophy

To Relax.

Do No Harm

Meditation can be uncomfortable, the amount of discomfort I would set as a boundary is hygine discomfort, i.e. as painful as brushing teeth, making a meal, or taking a bath.

If it hurts more than that, I would encourage you to stop.

How much time

I would pick an amount you view as trivial, these are all valid picks:

5 seconds
10 seconds
30 seconds
1 minute
etc.

Posture

The same posture you might use to watch a movie or play a video game.

Goals

Relief
Staying with a neutral or positive object

Core Skills

Renunciation, another way to say this is letting go.
Kindfulness, the merging of mindfulness with kindness.

What does letting go mean?

Setting down the past, worrying about that later
Setting down the future, worrying about that later
Setting down painful emotions

Is there a correct way to let go?

Yes, with kindness.

Don't I have to ...

No.

How to Practice

Two general things are usually in the mind:

Thoughts
Awareness

Meditation is learning how to place emphasis on specific mental objects for benefit.

Awareness of the Body via Touch

Rub your hands together
Wiggling toes
Petting a soft object (Plushie, Cat, Dog, etc.)

Awareness of the Body via Breath

To gain awareness of the breath, vary your speed
Practice letting go of control of the breath

Awareness of the Mind via Imagination

Visualize a nature scene (a flower, a beach, a sunset)
Visualize something simple (blue mist)

Awareness of the Mind via Recollection

Remember a nice place you visited
Remember a nice person you interacted with

Awareness of the Mind via Deeds

Remember a time you did a good deed

Awareness of the Mind via Mantra

These are very good for early meditaiton work to cultivate conditions we don't have.

I would encourage conversational pace, like talking to a friend. Put a pause of 3 seconds on the end, for time to feel an emotion that could arise.

I put (and recommend) "may" in front of these so they don't involve force.

"May I be OK with stuff being in awareness"
"May I enjoy spending time with myself."
"May I enjoy practicing kindness with myself."
"May I let go of being a perfectionist."
"May I be OK with mistakes."
"May I judge myself less."
"May I forgive myself for not understanding."
"May I forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself."
"May I hate myself less."
"May I learn to trust my own sensations."

If pleasant sensations (like calm, or happiness or relaxation) appear doing the above, I savor them, then I try and remember what I did to reach this pleasant state. The danger is thinking repeating the exact same steps works, every time. That's what makes this practice, learning what works and what doesn't with kindness.

A tremendous kindness we can give ourselves is ... just knowing what's going on inside ourselves. Judgement doesn't seem to help, when I judge myself I say "that's OK" and watch the judgement. Kindness heals judgement, not more judgement.

I wouldn't push for force myself, kindness doesn't arrive via force, we are not trying to overpower the mind.

I remind myself that if what I'm doing is making my meditation worse, I shouldn't do it. I pick other things to do.

Mantras

When I find it's too hard to observe, or I notice my thoughts are speeding up, I try and ground myself in a mantra, which is just an intention I repeat over and over again. One of my teachers said it's like casting seeds, sometimes we may need to cast a lot of seeds, and that's OK.

I never repeat a mantra I don't agree with. I don't want to lie to myself. Pick one (or a few):

"May I enjoy spending time with myself."
"May I enjoy practicing kindness with myself."
"May I practice self-compassion."
"May I let go of expectations."
"May I judge myself less."
"May I let go of perfectionism."
"May I enjoy being vs doing."
"May I forgive myself for not understanding."
"May I forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself."
"May I hate myself less."
"May I learn to trust my own sensations."

Additional Mantras: Foster's Mantras

Ending Early

Also OK.

I sometimes end early, especially self-guided meditations. I'll try to do some other gentle mindfulness activity like going for a walk.

v1.4 - Last edit 8-Jan-2025

This is work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

I hope the reader is helped by these instructions and comes to no harm engaging in this guidance.

I feel meditation at it's core is about engagement, awareness, kindness, and presence. I've experienced benefit practicing with my cat this set of instructions.

This was once written with my cat in mind but any pet should work. The instructions assume both you and the pet are OK with touch.

I'd ask, If at any point, emotions come up which are difficult, please stop and ask someone else for help. This blog sees a wide audience and difficult emotions I feel should be helped via others, not on our own.

Have a pet
Pet the pet
- Awareness & Sensations - While petting, focus on physical sensations (soft, cold, warm, tingly, etc.) - While petting, focus on emotions in the body (where they are, how they move and change, etc.) - While petting, focus on how the pet reacts to different types of pets - While petting, do thoughts arise?
  
  While doing this, it's OK (and natural) for focus to move around onto different things, in that case, paying attention to why attention is shifting could be valuable.
- Cultivation of Bright States - Really enjoy the wholesome feelings that come up (concentration, affection, attachment, engagement, etc). - Imagine the pet's internal state (reading the emotions of other beings - attunement, empathy).
- Presence - Feel into how to better pet the pet via awareness and cultivation (changing your method to fit the situation).
If the pet wants to leave, let the pet leave (respect non-harm).
It's OK to call the pet back to you (cultivating connectedness).
If your mind wanders, return to step 2 (cultivating awareness, presence, and bright states).

You can pet the pet however long you like, and whenever you like, so long at the pet is willing. This is why many people own pets.

v2.1 - Last edit 21-Jan-2025

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Disclaimer: I am an advanced technical meditation practitioner. These instructions can reveal a lot about yourself. I don't know of a similar set of instructions, I used these to help understand if I should transition.

cw: body dysphoria

This work is based on two articles by Zinnia Jones.

That was Dysphoria? 8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria.

Depersonalization in gender dysphoria - widespread and widely unrecognized.

I invite the reader to attempt to sense gender dysphoria and gender euphoria respectively:

Targets

More ease vs less ease
Easier vs harder
More emotions vs fewer emotions
More agency vs less agency
More presence vs less presence
More connection vs less connection

There are actually a few kinds of meditations possible here two kinds: mental and physical.

Alternative Life

Calm your mind using any method you are familiar with. Let yourself enter fantasy. Be non-judgmental ... it's your mind you have complete privacy.

What would it be like to be a different gender?
Can you see yourself doing gendered activities? (Example: Makeup?)
Can you see yourself doing non-gendered activities? (Example: Eating?)
Who are you socializing with? (What is their gender?)
Notice your level of engagement (Are you into this? Distracted?)
If you change genders (yourself) does the imagery change?

Do you feel gender dysphoria? Do you feel gender euphoria?

Somatic Awareness - Body Exploration

This meditation is about body awareness. It may be uncomfortable for some.

Calm your mind using any method you are familiar with. Be non-judgmental ... it's your body and you have complete privacy.

Find a dark quiet place you will not be disturbed.
Get naked.
Touch yourself on a non-erogenous zone, notice the feeling tone (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral)
Touch your genitals -- what is the feeling tone? Can you do this without any fabrication?

You are trying to notice the difference between different spots on the body, with as little between you and the sensations as possible. Some spots may be pleasant, some may be unpleasant, some may be neutral. Again look for signs of euphoria vs dysphoria.

v1.1 - 21-Jan-2025

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I resist meditation and I have a meditation blog. I meet a lot of people who resist meditation, and a big reason is ... it's uncomfortable.

This is another uncomfortable method, but the perks are it seems to work super well, and it's easy to understand.

My watch actually suggested it, but there is a lot of content out on the Internet supporting it, Box Breathing.

I've been trying different intervals (or really just paying attention to how my mind and body change) when I count to different numbers.

4-4-4-4

Breath in for four seconds
Hold for four seconds
Breath out for four seconds
Hold for four seconds

I don't have a magic way to know how long a second is, so I just count to a number that feels effective, usually 6 or 8.

I've been doing this when I notice some variation of panic, or anxiety and it seems to be pretty effective.

The reasoning is, the breath hold (the apnea really) encourages the mind to slow down and conserve oxygen.

In DBT circles, a similar method exists, a breath hold into a shallow bowl of cold water (or a filled sink) to activate the diving reflex. I've done this and it works.

I have mixed feelings about activating the parasympathetic system this way (especially since it's possible to activate both the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems simultaneously, so this is a method I would encourage caution with.

If this makes things worse, as always, it's OK to stop.

I've been using it on and off the last few days and it's brought me some relief, so I wanted to share it.

v1.3 - Last edit 19-Oct-2024

This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

cw: child abuse, neglect

We know what someone is like when they are angry, or sad. Metta is a mental state, a set of views, a practice, and a set of resultant emotions.

Metta is one of four sublimes, or immeasurables. Metta as a practice object can hurt. If it hurts to practice with this object, it's OK to do something else. You aren't a failure of a human being, Metta can be a difficult object.

How do I view Metta?

Metta is good vibes. Metta is kindness centered around harmlessness.

Materials

There are a lot of books here about Trauma. My understanding is trauma is between us and Metta. Most of these books are intended to help reduce barriers for feeling metta towards ourselves

Non-Religious

Mindfulness and Meditation in Trauma Treatment - Lynn C. Waelde

DBT-Informed Art Therapy - Susan M. Clark

Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness - David A. Treleaven

You Are The One You've Been Waiting for - Richard C. Schwartz

Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff, Ph.D

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me - Susan Rose Blauner, MSW, LCSW

Trauma and Recovery - Judith Herman, MD

The Emotionally Absent Mother - Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC

Religious

Kindfulness - Ajahn Brahm

Lovingkindness - Sharon Salzberg

Boundless Heart - Christina Feldman

v1.2 - Last edit 15-Jan-2025

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(This post is retro-active. These are some lines I wrote out on a Metta Retreat)

cw: self-harm

Metta meditation is usually a wish for goodwill or kindness.

Karuna meditation is usually a wish for beings to be free from suffering.

Lines from my diary


May I be free from suffering.

May I be free from pain.

May I see and be free of self-hate.

May I be free from self-criticism.

May my self-compassion be unconditional.

May I see and reduce the harm I cause to myself & others.

May I be free of suicidal intent.

May I see and be free of shame.

May I be free from fear & danger.

(How the above is supposed to work is, you pick a line or two or three, and you just repeat them, holding the intention sincerely. If you can, feel and cultivate what that intention feels like, and feel and cultivate felt emotional responses. Be as gentle as possible.)

(written 24-Jan-2021)

I have a printed & laminated version of this to help with parenting.

I have ADHD and part of that is not knowing what to do next, so this is a kind of menu.

Low Key

[ ] Watch Mr. Rogers and play in the sand [ ] Play with water kinetic art sculpture or pin sculpture [ ] Spend time on patio listening to outside [ ] Imagine with stuffies under the bed

Art

[ ] Create with LEGO [ ] Produce on synth (Deluge) [ ] Produce on iPad (Quantiloop) [ ] Play on piano (Pianoteq) [ ] Draw on iPad (Procreate, Vectornator) [ ] Animate on iPad (Flipaclip) [ ] Color with crayons and Epic Book of Awesome [ ] Color with Pencils and Secrets of the Sea [ ] Make paper airplanes [ ] Play Lite-Brite [ ] Play Clip Connect

[ ] Play outside [ ] Play in the therapy sand
[ ] Play in the hammock [ ] Call a friend

Intellectual

[ ] Study or play Chess (lessons, puzzles, versus other kids) [ ] Read a chapter book on iPad [ ] Finish Homework

Hygiene

[ ] Take a bath [ ] Clean up LEGO

Parent Activities

Low Key

[ ] Watch child appropriate movie (Popcorn, etc.) [ ] Talk to each other (Get fidgets)

Art

[ ] Jam session with synths, guitars, etc. [ ] Do spirograph [ ] Make a Viridian Art Activity a parent activity

Family

[ ] Play Nintendo game (Splatoon2, etc.) [ ] Play board game (Fluxx, Jenga, Fireball Island, Clue, etc.) [ ] Make tea (Ceremonial, Simple, etc.) [ ] Make meal together

Intellectual

[ ] Play Chess [ ] Learn STEM (Electronics, Arduino, etc.)

Physical & Outside

[ ] Play in therapy sand [ ] Visit the park (Local Park, Aerobie, etc.) [ ] Go swimming [ ] Ride electric vehicles [ ] Make performance art (Poi, Fiber Whips, etc.) [ ] Make sidewalk chalk art

Excursions

[ ] Planetarium, Museum, Trampoline Park, etc.

v1.2 - Last edit 21-Jan-2025

This work dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 1.0

The below is from Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair -- Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott

These items are unchanged and appear on page 108 of the above text.

Secure Attachment

Seeks emotional closeness with others
Able to establish emotional intimacy
Comfortable with mutual dependence
Comfortable being alone
Positive self-image and other image
Warm and open with others
Accepts criticism without significant distress
Strong sense of self
Self-esteem
Self-observational skills
Self-reflective skills
Able to trust in relationship
Relationships tend to be stable, lasting
Open with others about feelings
Positive feelings about relationships
Balanced experience of emotions—neither too little nor too much
Values attachment

Dismissing Attachment

Avoidance of getting close or being intimate
Discomfort with closeness
Ambivalence
Dismissing behaviors
Aloofness and contempt
Mistrust about depending on others
Difficulty getting close
Preference for remaining distant
Fear of closeness
Lack of emotion or minimization of emotional expression
Discomfort with opening up, especially about private thoughts
False self
Pulls away if someone gets close
Illusion of self-sufficiency
Alexithymia

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Excessive worry about relationships
Worry that one’s partner won’t care as much as he or she does
Obsessive preoccupation with and rumination about the relationship
Excessive need for approval
Ignoring signs of trouble in the relationship
Fear of scaring people away
Fear of abandonment/rejection/criticism
Resentment when partner spends time away from the relationship
Angry withdrawal
Frustration if partner is not available
Feels extremely upset/depressed when receives disapproval
Easily upset, with intensified displays of distress or anger
Jealousy
Fear of being alone
Compulsive caretaking
Submissive, acquiescent, suggestible
Seeks attachment at the expense of autonomy
Work, school, or friends get less attention than the relationship partner
Compulsive care-seeking
Partner describes self as “smothered” or “suffocated”
Eager to be with partner all the time
Needs excessive reassurance
Clinging, demanding, nagging, sulking
Desire to merge
Attempts to win favor or impress
Forces responses from partner
Self-centeredness, showing off, center of attention

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment

Disorganized Internal World

Dysregulated psychophysiological state
Affect dysregulation (too much or too little)
Lapses in self-observation or monitoring
Discontinuous self-states and affect states
Cognitive distortion, confusion, and drive-dominated thinking

Disorganized Behavior

Impaired self-agency and goal-directed behavior
Inhibition of exploration and play

Disorganized Attachment Behavior

Activation of contradictory attachment strategies
Controlling behaviors
Submissive or excessive caretaking behaviors
“Stable instability” in relationships
Defensive aggression and helplessness
Inability to elicit desired responses

v1.1 7-Mar-2022

These materials are the copyright of the respective owners.

One of the upper fetters is conceit. I've been looking for a formal definition of conceit so I could start practicing with it.

I was watching a talk from Ajahn Brahm about MN20 - The Removal of Distracting Thoughts and ... there is a place he defined conceit.

Conceit

I am better
I am worse
I am the same

I've started working with conceit directly using a mantra to the opposite: "Not better, not worse, not the same."

Not Better

Sometimes I get a strong effectual feeling.

Maybe I have a meditation go well, or I give really solid help to someone. Maybe I'm comparing my situation to someone else. From this position I am in a desirous place.

Conceit arises. I am better!

I've been practicing telling myself, "Where I am and how my life goes is tied to my circumstances and intentions." "Where this other person is and how their life goes is tied to their circumstances and their intentions."

I allow myself gratitude -- for my circumstances, and for my intentions. I send others in a less desirous place metta, vs contempt or scorn for "not knowing better." I avoid blaming others for their circumstances or intentions.

Not Worse

Some circumstances are clearly desirous (friends, family, health, genetics) and many do not have desirous circumstances.

Conceit arises. I am worse!

I allow myself sadness and grief -- for my circumstances. I send myself metta vs contempt or scorn for "not knowing better." I avoid blaming myself for my circumstances or intentions.

Not the Same

Parts of my experience are similar to others. Maybe I hear someone relate a part of their life then feel "Oh, I have the answer to this, because I've experienced something similar."

I've been practicing telling myself, "I am similar but not the same. I don't know this person's circumstances unless they tell me. I must be careful of my projections onto them."

v1.1 19-Oct-2024

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David Burns wrote a book called Feeling Good which uses CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to list 10 types of mental distortions that are worth examining.

What all distortions share is they substitute an idea for reality.

1. All or Nothing Thinking

All or Nothing Thinking attempts to put things into one of two buckets Good/Bad, White/Black, Right/Wrong, Heavenly/Evil, Up/Down.

Reality is a mixture of lots of categories, never just two categories.

2. Overgeneralization

Is a mental tendency to see a pattern and infer a future result. If I failed at doing something twice, I could infer more attempts will end in failure. If this person said something mean to me before I could infer they are going to say something mean in the future.

Overgeneralization tries to predict the future.

3. Mental Filter

Our minds have evolved to pay special attention to negative outcomes, because in earlier times they could have killed us. Mental filter wants to focus solely on the negative outcomes until they are all we see.

Mental Filter focuses us on the negatives.

4. Discounting the Positives

Close to Mental Filter is Discounting the Positives. The difference is if something positive does happen, it gets discounted to zero and doesn't count. No amount of success is ever enough, it was luck.

Discounting the Positives turns positives into negatives.

5. Jumping to Conclusions

There are two ways we can jump to conclusions:

Mind Reading - Assuming what others are thinking, especially assuming negative thoughts.
Fortune Telling - Assuming stuff is going to go badly, especially with no evidence.

Jumping to Conclusions assumes the worst vs letting reality play itself out.

6. Magnification or Minimization

Magnification is making something much worse than it is and Minimization is making something far less important.

Magnification and Minimization distort reality to fit our internal biases.

7. Emotional Reasoning

Emotions aren't thoughts and thoughts aren't emotions. This isn't the easiest thing to disentangle. Ideally we live from a place that integrates both thoughts and feelings so one or the other isn't ruling our lives.

Sadness is a feeling which tells us we've lost something.

Anger is a feeling which tells us about a transgression.

Feeling sadness doesn't mean we will be lonely forever, it's just sadness. Feeling anger doesn't mean we are a monster, we are just angry.

Emotional Reasoning, substitutes an emotion for our whole being. Emotions are part of us, they aren't all of us.

8. Should Statements

Shoulds are essentially views, the way the world ought to be. Shoulds always come with judgement, and judgement like the should is an overlay of reality, it isn't reality.

I should be this way, this should be that way, reality should be this way, this shouldn't happen, this must happen, etc.

Shoulds lead to endless self-criticism, a voice which is never content, always asking for more. Shoulds can lead us to judge ourselves much more harshly then we'd judge a friend, a family member, or even a stranger.

Should Statements reject the world as it is and substitute in a view of how things should be.

9. Labeling

Calling someone an idiot is dismissive, suddenly what they are saying isn't relevant anymore. Similar titles are loser, fool, and stupid. There are endless labels. Be exceptionally careful with labels, even positive ones.

Labeling solidifies reality so we don't have to understand its complexity.

10. Personalization and Blame

Stuff beyond our control happens, but to personalize blame, someone must be responsible. Finding fault even for morally neutral choices makes blame where there wasn't any. Sometimes we are responsible, and we blame others. Sometimes others are responsible, and we blame ourselves.

Personalization and Blame seek to assign cause and morality to everything.

References

Cognitive Distortions List

v1.1- Last edit 8-Jan-2025

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i am allowed to want to feel and be safe.
i am allowed to be angry, express anger.
i am allowed to feel desire.
i am allowed to use coping mechanisms when i don't have brighter tools available.
it's hard to feel anger and hurt right now.
feeling angry is part of the human experience. everybody feels anger sometimes.
what can i do for myself in this moment?
peacefulness. love. ease. happiness. bliss.
i want to take care of you.
i don't want you to suffer.
i care about you.

I have a subscription to the OED. A lot of these are based on that source.

These are words found on the NVC feelings wheel under "Peaceful".

Peaceful: Not employing force or violence. An alternative solution to a problem where force, violence and war is the more obvious means; friendly; pleasant; favorable; benign; amicable, affable.

Calm: Free from agitation or disturbance: still, quiet, tranquility.

Content: Full inward satisfaction -- not disturbed for desire by anything more.

Satisfied: met, answered, fully supplied.

Comfortable: A state of tranquil enjoyment and content; free from pain and trouble -- ease

Relaxed: free from tension, anxiety, stress.

Serene: Calm mixed with cheer and radiance.

Calm: Free from agitation or disturbance; quiet, still, tranquil, serene; without wind, not stormy.

Tranquil: Free from agitation or disturbance; calm, serene, placid, quiet, peaceful.

Quiet: absence of commotion or bustle, free from discord or strife, free from noise or uproar.

Centered: Serene + Inner Peace and/or Harmon -- emotionally well balanced

Harmony: Internal parts and stories are united in opinion, unanimous and free from discord or dissent

Congruous: A feeling something is reasonable, becoming, fitting, suitable or appropriate to who you are.

Balanced: Emotional Equilibrium -- Opposing parts are in equality.

Emotions are felt experiences, contrasted with dissocation, and emptiness.

The ability to feel emotions is double-edged, there are pleasant and unpleasant emotions.

There are lots of ways to conceptalize emotions, the system I use is Non-Violent Communications which puts emotions into two main groups.

Feelings Wheel

Same as above but a PDF with citation

Needs Met

Pride, Joy, Intrigue, Trust, Love, Peace

Needs Unmet

Anger, Disgust, Fear, Surprise, Sadness, Shame

Prompting Events for Emotions

Use this list to reason backwards to what emotion was probably felt.

Needs Met

Pride or self-acceptance

Effectual An activity you value was performed well.
Encouraged Someone you trust/value gave you a positive appraisal.

Joy or gain

You've gained something.
A need has been met.

Intrigue or attentiveness

Paying close attention leads towards positive emotions.

Trust or security

Associating with someone/something could lead toward getting a need met.

Love or attractiveness

Loving a person, animal, or object enhances quality of life for you or for those you care about.
Loving a person, animal, or object increases your chances of attaining your own personal goals.
- Affectionate The urge to take care of someone/something to get more love.
- Reverance The urge to worship someone/something as they are viewed as godly/divine/perfect.

Peace or acceptance

Events occurring should keep occurring as they are.

Needs Not Met

Anger or judgement

An important goal is blocked or a desired activity is interrupted or prevented.
You/Your-group/Someone-you-care-about is offended/insulted/attacked/hurt/threatened.
- Envy Someone-else/group gets/has things you want/need/crave.
- Jealousy A very important and desired relationship or object in your life is in danger of being damaged or lost.

Disgust or repulsion

Nauseous tasting something you do not want to swallow
Sickened observing something that violates your core values
Contempt Something or someone fails to meet a personal standard

Fear or threatened

Anxious a new or unfamiliar situation.
Vulnerable be at the mercy of someone else (walking home alone).
Scared being in the dark.
Helpless being in a bad situation with no percieved ability to control it.
Terrified being in a bad situation with a percieved likelyhood of injury or death.
There is a threat to your life/health/well-being of you or someone you care about.

Surprise or caught off guard

Paying close attention could prevent negative emotions.

Sadness or loss

Hurt being rejected or excluded.
Discouraged hearing about future difficulty.
Heartbreak a relationship ending.
Grief death of a loved one.
Hopeless believing you will not get what you need in your life.

Shame or self-judgement

Shame Urge towards silence. You risk being abandoned by a group if characteristics of yourself or of your behavior are made public.
Guilt Your own behavior violates your own values or moral code

References

DBT Emotion Regulation Handouts

Test Your Emotional Intelligence (Berkley Greater Good)

NVC Needs Inventory

v1.6 8-Jan-2025

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From the book Non-Violent Communication

My friend Holley Humphrey identified some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples:

Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?”

One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ”

Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”

Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ”

Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”

Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ”

Interrogating: “When did this begin?”

Explaining: “I would have called but … ”

Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

The Buddha was big on discernment. When someone asked him what makes someone an Outcast/Lowlife he gave a pretty detailed answer. I've condensed it from the Sutta:

Sn 1.7 - The Lowlife

Harms living creatures and has no kindness for creatures
Irritable, hostile, wicked, offensive, deceitful, deficient in view
Destroys Villages, Cities
Thieves & Muggers
Lying to someone about owing a debt
Lying to others to create wealth
Making up stories about stuff that didn't happen.
Trying to sleep with others committed sexual partners
Not taking care of parents in old age
Abusing family verbally or physically
Asked what is good, teaches what is actually bad.
Gives advice with a hidden agenda.
Hides bad deeds from others.
Eats at another's place, doesn't return the favor.
Lies to religious people (monks, nuns, nobles).
Abuses or doesn't share food with religious people (monks, nuns, nobles).
Extols themselves and disparages others.
Bullies
Wealth hoarders
Oppressors
Insults the Buddha or the Buddha's disciples.
Claims to be perfected -- but isn't (this is considered the lowest)

Someone isn't permanently an Outcast/Lowlife, but while doing these things, they can fall into this category.

I originally read it in this book The Buddha's Teachings on Social and Communal Harmony - Edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi

The Buddha gave this advice in a Sutta called Offensive.

AN 3.27 - Offensive

Looked on with Disgust and Avoided

Unethical, bad qualities, filthy
Underhanded, not an ascetic or spiritual practitioner (claims to be one -- rotten and depraved) Following this person you can get a bad reputation

Looked on with Equanimity and Avoided

Irritable and bad-tempered
Light criticism results in them blowing up
Displays annoyance, hatred, and bitterness There is a risk this person could harm you, physically or mentally

I originally read it in this book, on page 55. The Buddha's Teachings on Social and Communal Harmony - Edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi

Maybe you are running a sangha and need to know where the line is to ban a member.

The Buddha gave this advice in a Sutta called Trash.

The short reason is: some bad barley spoils the bunch.

AN 8.10 - Trash

At one time the Buddha was staying near Campā on the banks of the Gaggarā Lotus Pond. Now at that time the mendicants accused a mendicant of an offense. The accused mendicant dodged the issue, distracted the discussion with irrelevant points, and displayed annoyance, hate, and bitterness.

Then the Buddha said to the mendicants, “Mendicants, throw this person out! Throw this person out! This person should be shown the door. Why should you be vexed by an outsider?

Take a case where a certain person looks just the same as other good-natured mendicants when going out and coming back, when looking ahead and aside, when bending and extending the limbs, and when bearing the outer robe, bowl and robes. That is, so long as the mendicants don’t notice his offense. But when the mendicants notice the offense, they know that he’s a corrupt ascetic, just useless trash. When they realize this they send him away. Why is that? So that he doesn’t corrupt good-natured mendicants.

Suppose in a growing field of barley some bad barley appeared, just useless trash. Its roots, stem, and leaves would look just the same as the healthy barley. That is, so long as the head doesn’t appear. But when the head appears, they know that it’s bad barley, just useless trash. When they realize this they pull it up by the roots and throw it outside the field. Why is that? So that it doesn’t spoil the good barley.

In the same way, take a case where a certain person looks just the same as other good-natured mendicants when going out and coming back, when looking ahead and aside, when bending and extending the limbs, and when bearing the outer robe, bowl and robes. That is, so long as the mendicants don’t notice his offense. But when the mendicants notice the offense, they know that he’s a corrupt ascetic, just useless trash. When they realize this they send him away. Why is that? So that he doesn’t corrupt good-natured mendicants.

This goes on for some ways.

I originally read it in this book The Buddha's Teachings on Social and Communal Harmony - Edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi

v1.1 - Last edit 19-Oct-2024

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The original story is credited to Loren Eisley (1907-1977)

Below is my remixed version. Each time I tell it I change it a little bit.

The Starfish Story

An old man walks along a beach he lives nearby.

... the previous night, a storm came through.

And all along the beach, glittering in the morning sun, are starfish.

... drying out. dying. too far from the ocean for the tide to get them.

thousands, as far as he can see. Soundless death.

The old man stops. He's seen many strange things on this beach.

Continuing ... he's careful to step over each one, feeling sadness with each step.

Anyway, after about an hour of careful walking, in the distance, he can make out a figure, ... moving around erratically.

Getting closer it's a girl.

... closer still, it's a girl, throwing starfish back into the ocean.

... carefully picking up each one, giving it a toss, just a few feet back into the water.

The girl and the old man come closer, until they are within conversation distance of each other.

The old man, looks at the girl, astonished and irritated.

"What are you doing? You can't possibly save them all, it doesn't matter"

The girl smiling, looks up making eye contact. We hear a splash.

"... It mattered to that one!"

The Narcissist prayer works by gaslighting, or overwriting someone else's reality. Two people believe different things -- the Narcissist is very forceful about their version of events and when confronted becomes the victim.

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

It's worth committing to memory each line of the prayer to be aware of toxic micro-interactions.


That didn't happen.                   (1 - Negate)  
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.    (2 - Minimize)  
And if it was, that's not a big deal. (3 - Project)  
And if it is, that's not my fault.    (4 - That's How The World is)  
And if it was, I didn't mean it.      (5 - Claim Pure Intentions)  
And if I did, you deserved it.        (6 - DARVO)

Short Definition of Narcissism with Examples

The Nature Example - Two People, Two Childhoods

cw: child neglect, narcissism, NPD.

Quinn enjoys nature. Quinn spent a lot of time outside since early childhood. Quinn has easy access to the feelings nature gives them: peace, safety, comfort, connection. When Quinn was growing up, Quinn's parents validated Quinn's feelings often going on hiking and camping trips and repeatedly telling Quinn that Quinn's feelings were important. Quinn's parents weren't really into camping or hiking, themselves, but they made time for Quinn to pursue their interests. Quinn has felt these feelings, clearly, for years and has a lot of practice. When someone says nature is stupid ... Quinn's internal feelings don't change. Quinn understands, "This person hates nature, but that's OK, it doesn't change how I feel about it."

Morgan hates nature. When asked why Morgan responds by mentioning a famous conservative YouTuber who hates the national parks system and promotes drilling in ANWR. Early in Morgan's life, going to school they talked to other kids who got to go to parks and decided they wanted to go. When Morgan asked their parents, their parents became angry telling Morgan to go play videogames. Morgan asked one more time, but this time Morgan's dad screamed at them to leave them alone. Morgan's brain, trying to optimize for staying in the family and not being exiled now buries the desire under a new emotion, shame. Years have passed. Since shame is a deeply painful experience, when Morgan was exposed to the famous YouTuber they latched on immediately, with a ready made excuse why enjoying nature isn't important or worth doing.

The core of narcissism is avoiding shame at all costs by trying to do what others value. Morgan is validated by the Famous YouTuber and is now part of a community which helps them avoid shame, by substituting it for anger. Human seek social validation ... some us, like Quinn, get it unconditionally and others, like Morgan, get it with conditions attached. The greater the conditions attached, the more distant from ourselves we become, until our internal world looks more like a mask to be put on than a person.

In this example Quinn and Morgan have the same starting conditions, but very different kinds of validation.

(1) That Didn't Happen - Negate

Quinn: You stepped on my foot.

Morgan: I didn't.

Morgan learned early in life the easy way out is to invalidate people. Morgan was invalidated early and often, so now ... they are doing what they've learned to others. Lying to Morgan is a better outcome then feeling shame.

Quinn (to themselves): Maybe I imagined it?

Quinn (to themselves): Maybe they didn't notice.

(2) And If It Did, It Wasn't That Bad - Minimize

Quinn: No, you did step on my foot.

Morgan: It looks fine.

Morgan doesn't understand the problem. The foot looks fine. Morgan doesn't have a strong sense of Quinn's internal world, not really having one themselves. Minimizing what happened comes easily, and avoids shame.

Quinn (to themselves): This hurts, but maybe it's not so bad?

Quinn (to themselves): Morgan is pretty confident I'm OK, I'll be OK.

(3) And If It was, That's Not a Big Deal - Project

Quinn: Um ... it does hurt, it hurts a lot.

Morgan: It happens, people's feet get stepped on all the time.

When Morgan was growing up, they heard this line used ... a lot. Something would happen and Morgan's parents would go "That's how the world is." No one in Morgan's family took responsibility for things ... now Morgan doesn't.

Quinn (to themselves): (Still in pain) I guess this is OK.

(4) And if it is, that's not my fault - That's How The World is

Quinn: Morgan, this really hurts!

Morgan: It isn't my fault, I'm clumsy.

At this point Quinn knows how this whole exchange is supposed to go. Morgan is supposed to validate Quinn's intangible reality, harm has happened. How Morgan sees it is ... this is how the world works. Morgan's parents have told them they are clumsy hundreds of times. Morgan is just clumsy, there isn't any changing this.

Quinn (to themselves): Why can't Morgan just say they are sorry?

(5) And if it was, I didn't mean it - Claim Pure Intentions

Quinn: I get it, you are clumsy. Are you sorry?

Morgan: I didn't intend to step on you.

Morgan has admitted to being clumsy. Now the shame is going full-tilt, because Morgan has partly admitted to being involved and making a mistake. Morgan would rather not be friends, period, vs feel that level of shame. Morgan says since they didn't mean to hurt Quinn, the harm doesn't count.

Quinn (to themselves): .. But you still hurt me. Please acknowledge you hurt me. Please acknowledge you care.

(6) And if I did, you deserved it - DARVO

Quinn: What? You stepped on me, say you are sorry.

Morgan: ... You were in my way. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Stop attacking me! Calm down.

This is the end of the script. From here it can repeat, but what it usually turns into is JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) as Quinn and Morgan go around endlessly trying to get the other to agree to how to see the event. Quinn wants validation, Morgan doesn't want to feel shame.

Quinn (to themselves): Maybe I'm not being clear enough ... Let me try again.

References

Dr. Ramani - YouTube
Dr. Ramani - Narcissistic relationships and the trap of the "almost win"
Dr. Ramani - What does it mean when a narcissist says "I love you"? Narcissist Support Darvo - Southpark

I view these as practice targets, things to renounce via the middle path.

This is based on the following Sutta. I added some links to Merriam Webster (I didn't know what some of these words meant myself).

From MN3: Heirs in the Teaching

It's a story Ajahn Brahm told on one of his YouTube videos. Valerie and I share it below.

tl:dr we can't know if something is of benefit when it happens.

A king is out hunting, his royal physician is right beside him, ahead of the rest of the retinue. The king injures his finger somehow, scrapes it on something, and he calls his physician over. The physician does a proper job bandaging it, and the king asks "Will my finger be okay?"

The physician shrugs and says, "Good, bad, who knows?"
The king is grumpy about this, but lets it go.

The next day, the king summons his physician again. His finger is swollen, hot, red, and inflamed. The physician changes the bandages, cleans the wound as well as possible, and again, the king demands to know if his finger will be okay.

The physician shrugs, and says, "Good, bad, who knows?"
The king is angry, but what can you do? Good doctors are hard to find.

On the third day, the finger is even worse, the infection is spreading. The physician is called, and informs the king that the finger has to be removed. The king is furious with him, convinced he could have done more, or didn't care enough, and now he has to have his finger taken off. He rages at the physician about how awful an outcome this is.

The physician, finished, calmly putting away his tools, shrugs, and says, "Good, bad, who knows?"
The king is outraged. He orders the physician put in jail, and leaves him there.

Two weeks later, the king's hand is recovered enough that he again goes out to hunt. This time, he charges ahead of his retinue, becoming separated from them, in the thrill of the hunt. He unwittingly wanders into another tribe's territory, and is captured. The people that capture him see him as a providential gift, royalty to be sacrificed to their god. They put him up against a tree, prepare the ritual, and are about to kill him... but as the head priest inspects him, he notices something and calls out, "Wait! This man is missing a finger! We can't offer up a damaged sacrifice to our god!"

So reluctantly, they let him go, and he returns home. When he gets there, he immediately goes to the dungeon to free the physician.

The king tells the story, about how losing his finger had saved his life, and admitted that the physician's outlook had been the right one to take. He begged the physician's forgiveness, saying that he had wronged him terribly.

The physician said, "King, haven't you been listening to me? Good, bad, who knows?! If you hadn't locked me up, I would have been right there, captured beside you, and I have all of my body parts!"

I used links from Sutta Central.

Sutta Piṭaka (Basket of Teachings)

The main books in the canon are the four Nikāya, or Volumes.

Abbreviation	Pali Title	English Title
DN	Dīgha Nikāya	Long Discourses
MN	Majjhima Nikāya	Middle Discourses
SN	Saṁyutta Nikāya	(Sets of) Linked/Connected Discourses
AN	Aṅguttara Nikāya	Numbered Discourses (Another Thing)

Minor Volumes

The last Nikāya, the Khuddaka is called the "Minor" volume. It has short collections.

Abbreviation	Pali Title	English Title
Dhp	Dhammapada	Dharma Verses
Ud	Udāna	Poems & Verse - Heartfelt
Iti	Itivuttaka	Poems & Verse - So it Was Said
Ps	Paṭisambhidāmagga	Path of Discrimination - Sariputta's Text

v1.1 15-Jan-2025

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A Friend

Gives what is hard to give
Does what is hard to do
Endures what is hard to endure
Reveal their secrets to you
Keeps your secrets
Does not abandon you in times of trouble
Do not look down on you in times of loss

In Verse form


A friend gives what is hard to give, 
and does what’s hard to do. 

They put up with your harsh words, 
and with things hard to endure.

They tell you their secrets, 
and keep your secrets for you. 

They don’t abandon you in times of trouble, 
or look down on you in times of loss.

The person in whom 
these things are found is your friend. 

If you want to have a friend, 
you should keep company with such a person.

AN 7.36 - A Friend (1st)

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People ask me what I would recommend reading. I don't recommend reading, I recommend practice.

I put some stuff below as part of the "Usual Texts" stuff that gets recommended by others frequently that I read, that I considered helpful.

Ariadne's Usual Texts

My texts come from the Pāḷi Canon in the Thai Forest tradition. My primary inspiration is Ajahn Brahm

v2.1- Last edit 17-Jan-2025

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cw: pain, abuse, trauma, dissociation, suicide, self-harm

I am familiar with dissociation. While dissociaton can be a useful coping strategy, it is disruptive, so I started to look for alternative ways to cope.

Forgetting things isn't glamorous. There is always the risk that if I don't write something down, I will forget it. This blog represents some of the brightest parts of myself I want to remember and share with others.

Without written record, my lived experience sometimes becomes moment-to-moment and some moments are unbearable. I'm in several overlapping groups for suicide risk. I want to survive those future moments of pain.

Some of the charts found on this blog, I have laminated in my house. They are my personal materials.

Other charts I have made to reference quickly for online peer-support.

In the spirit of giving this book isn't monetized. Most of the content contained is dedicated to the Public Domain via CC0 so it can be copied, remixed, and repurposed.

I hope nothing I've written in this book causes myself or others to come to harm.

Contact Me

Email: sit with ariadne [at] gmail [dot] com

v2.4 - Last edit 8-Jan-2025

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Sit With Ariadne